Some Probably Nevers

I’ve never liked it when a love story uses a significant other as an obstacle between the main characters. Usually, the plot tries to prove the extra guy (or girl) is a conniving jerk who doesn’t deserve happiness so no one feels bad when he eventually gets dumped for the hero. My problem with this is that it usually ends up making the person who was dating the conniving jerk look foolish (or flighty or clueless or some other negative adjective) for being with him in the first place. Disliking a main character for being foolish doesn’t lead to a satisfying conclusion.

It’s why I once said I would never start a story with a main character involved with someone else. That was before a recent book in which I let the heroine change guys. I like to think I pulled off the switch without making anyone look heartless or gullible, but I’m not allowed to have an opinion on my own work. Regardless, I had to take back the never.

I have other nevers though, other things I keep seeing in books or movies and thinking “that will never show up in any of my books.” I’m going to be brave and post a list. I’ve learned not to say never so this is a list of things I will probably never, most likely never, seriously doubt ever use in a future story.

1) Anyone is compared to a celebrity. – Few things date a book like comparing the hero to some hot actor who turns out to be a flash in the pan or saying the heroine’s dark curls look just like some actress who has since chopped her hair and dyed it blond. But mostly these comparisons bother me because half the time they aren’t helpful.

- “Buddy had the same jaw and cheekbones as random famous guy and could have been mistaken for his younger brother.”

If I don’t know what random famous guy looks like, I can’t picture Buddy.

2) The heroine is cold. – There is something sweet about a man offering his coat to his female companion. It has an element of self-sacrifice, denying his own comfort for hers, that can strike a romantic chord. It’s overused though and rarely done well. It too often paints the woman as being too dumb to dress for the weather. That bothers me.

3) The hero has a “trim waist.” – I have no problem with a hero who’s described as being in good shape. It’s only this particular phrase that grates on my last nerve. I think it shows up in something like three quarters of the books I read when there are many, many more natural ways of saying that a guy isn’t carrying a spare tire. I have never heard this phrase in real life.

- “Hey, did you see that guy?”
- “Oh, yeah. Check out his trim waist.”

4) Failure to use a napkin. – I think movies are more often guilty of trotting out this trope. It’s an excuse for physical contact between the love interests but usually ends up looking far more silly than romantic. A woman takes a sip of hot chocolate and is somehow unaware of the glob of whipped cream on her nose. A man bits into a huge burger and ends up with mustard carefully dabbed on his cheek. They’re called napkins people. Who doesn’t have one handy on a date?

5) What were you going to tell me? – This is the most annoying sentence ever used to further a misunderstanding. It always plays out to make things worse in a truly ridiculous manner.

A man and a woman meet at a party. They hit it off and agree to see each other again. Sometime between the party and the first date, the man learns that the woman was mistakenly told he is a veterinarian. When he tries to clear the air, this happens:
- “I think I should tell you something.”
- “Wait! First, I need to make sure you know how much it means to me that you are a veterinarian. I’ve always loved animals and have dreamed of dating a vet my whole life. Now, what were you going to tell me?”
- “Never mind. It would be really awkward to tell you I’m not a vet right after you said that so I’ll just wait several more dates – while pretending to be a vet – until some pet emergency forces me to admit I’ve been lying to you.”

6) Anyone with mood ring eyes. – I think we’ve all seen eyes that appear different colors in different lighting or next to certain colors. But no one’s eyes change color. I cringe whenever I read about someone looking into someone else’s eyes and watching them change color, usually based on a mood shift. While the other quotes here are things I made up, the ones that follow are copied from real books by other people.

- “Her eyes were back to that lovely nut brown [as she calmed].”
- “As she raised one eyebrow, [her] eyes took on an amber hue.”
- “Would her eyes turn more green when angry?”
- “Her eyes darkened until they were no longer the tawny color of strong tea, but deep and rich, like the chocolate he’d seen imported from Europe.”
- “The blue of [his] eyes had darkened to the color of a stormy night sky.”
- “[It was] followed by a smile that brought out the caramel color in her hazel eyes.”

Eyes are amazing. They can say a lot just by narrowing or looking away. They can be belligerent or bold or elated. Eyes are powerfully versatile. Why are some authors trying to make them do this one thing they cannot do?

We're Watching You

I know Halloween was a few months ago. I’m going to delve into creepy territory anyway by writing about ways that real life shows up in my books.

Of course my own experiences inspire and influence the stories I write. This isn’t a revelation.  I’ve even given examples. When I do use real events though, I fictionalize them. I shape the details to fit my story, to protect anyone who might be embarrassed, to protect myself from anyone who might yell at me for using the incident, to better amuse myself, or simply because I feel like changing something. This is my prerogative as a writer.

I do not alter details to make anyone I know say, “That’s not the way it happened.”

There are limits to how much I let real life seep into fiction. I have never and will never base a character on a real person. Just because a character says something my sister once said, that doesn’t mean I in any way imagine that character as my sister. It only means she once said something I thought was funny. Or poignant or clever. It means I remembered that particular turn of phrase and used it. That’s all it means.

I especially avoid using people I know for physical features. None of my characters look like anyone I know. If I was picturing my mom, I couldn’t make a character act foolish. If I was picturing my husband, it would be difficult to write dialogue I couldn’t see coming out of his mouth. But you know that line you hear about any resemblance to real people being entirely coincidental? That’s not entirely true.

That means a character isn’t intended to represent a real person. It doesn’t mean that character doesn’t have attributes the author has seen in real life. A guy in one of my books does resemble a guy I saw at church. A woman resembles someone I was watching at a playground. A lot of the descriptions I use are gathered by people watching. I might see a woman toss her hair or a man flip his keys over his finger and I save that image. Now that I’ve seen it, I can describe it.

I probably don’t live anywhere near you. But other authors do, and I’m willing to bet I’m not alone. We’re on the lookout for interesting mannerisms. We’re watching you to find them. We’re noticing when you bump something with your elbow or wrinkle one side of your forehead more than the other. We’re noticing the way the light bounces off your hair or the way your sleeves are twisted. We’re noticing and we’re taking notes. Creepy yet?

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is coming. People are coming to my house to celebrate. I enjoy the planning that goes into the feast. I’m thankful that it’s one day of the year when no one gives me a hard time about my control freak tendencies. Everyone will have a place to sit, all the food will be ready to eat at the same time, and I’ll have most of the kitchen clean before everyone is done eating. Yet no one will say, “Do you always have to be so fastidious?” Attention to detail will be appreciated for a change. We’ll enjoy a meal and share our blessings because all kidding aside, my family gives me plenty of reasons to be personally thankful.

But how am I professionally thankful? What am I most thankful for as a writer? I could say readers. I could say getting to do what I love. Those are great answers and certainly sources of gratitude. What would I put at the top of the list though?

Ideas.

I am most thankful for the many kinds of ideas. There are of course good ideas, the ones that push a story forward. And there are bad ideas. I once had a character filling out a long survey, which made for very dry reading. I’m still thankful for the ideas that let me laugh at myself. I’m thankful for cute ideas. My kids have said things that I’ve worked into stories. I’ve received some wonderful suggestions over the years. They make me thankful for shared ideas. I’m even thankful for dumb ideas, like some of the things my brother did as a teenager. “Bush surfing” and “mud sledding” give me potential additions to future material. Above all, I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about running out of ideas.

For fiction. I have serious doubts about ideas for blog posts. I mean, come on. Right now I’m trying to pass off thinking of ideas as an idea. Did it work?